‘Well I did my best to bring her back to what she used to be / Then I soon learned she loved those bright lights more than she loved me’

OK, so as everyone on the planet knows by now, the Orioles have unveiled their new uniform set. This took place about 19 entire hours ago, which means it’s already ancient history and everyone’s bored with it by now and has moved on to the next thing, but I know you’re all expecting me to write about it and I hate disappointing you (except for those times when I, y’know, enjoy disappointing you), so here we go:

? The new bird: Not exactly an earthshaking overhaul, and it’s tempting to just say, “Ah, they’re more or less the same, pass the popcorn,” but there are actually two things about the new bird that bug me: (1) The new gray beak is a decided downgrade from the old pale-ochre beak (and no, I’m not just looking for an excuse to say “ochre,” although that is a nice bonus); and (2) the new feet look fine when they’re perched on something, but they look incongruous when the bird is just perched on nothing, which is why the new cap doesn’t look as good as the old cap. So is it good or is it stupid? Stupid.

? The new road insignia: As we all know, the O’s haven’t worn “Baltimore” on their chest since 1783, so this is long overdue. Breaking up the “t” across the placket isn’t ideal, but whatever — seems to be par for the course these days. Some folks have already complained about how the script tapers. I don’t mind it on its own terms, although it doesn’t mesh well with the home script, since that one doesn’t taper. Then again, when will you ever see those two jerseys side-by-side again? No biggie. Good.

? The new left-sleeve patches: As we all know, the Maryland state flag is really cool cuz it’s really weird, and therefore it’s more or less mandatory that we give the thumbs-up to any patch based on that flag design. But here’s the thing: The O’s are actually using two flag-based patches — this one, which says “Baltimore Orioles” and is appearing on the home jersey, and this one, which says “Orioles Baseball” and is appearing on the road grays and the black alts. I much prefer the latter, because why include the word “Baltimore” on something that features the Maryland flag, esp. when Baltimore has its own flag? To all you O’s staffers reading this: Go down the clubhouse with a seam ripper, remove all the home patches from the home whites, and replace them with the other patch. NOW!! Mostly very good, but just a teeny bit stupid.

? The new right-sleeve patches: Script wordmarks are cool, but there are certain places that a script wordmark does not belong — like, say, here and here. Totally stupid.

? The new piping: As you’ve probably noticed, the home and road jerseys now have sleeve piping; as you might not be aware, that same piping pattern will now be appearing on the pants. My gut instinct here is negative (in a long-pants baseball world, pants piping just accentuates the sloppiness), but first I wanna see how it looks on the fie

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